If you’ve been following me for a while, then you’ll know that I am part of a 12-month long programme, Devoted, which is a deep immersion into the inner work through the lens of the Gene Keys.
In our Devoted container, as I write this article, we’re currently working on our EQ sphere, and our guide Hayley asked us this question … What might it look and feel like to hold space for your emotions without fearing your emotions?
That is exactly what I’m doing with this work. I entered into Devoted with my heart wide open, ready and willing for the really deep emotions to come.
And they HAVE come. The grief over dad’s death, the sadness and hurt over not feeling loved by mum.
The losses that hurtled me into such loneliness.
And I have just let those emotions come and be here.
And instead of folding in on my heart to protect it, I have opened more.
Instead of putting up barriers, I have opened more.
Instead of putting up barriers so that I protect this new raw part of me, I’m staying loose, not trying to control how and when the emotions come. I’m just welcoming them in.
I’m not afraid of them.
They can just come whenever they want to come.
They can come in great waves of tears, like they did last week as the floodgates that held back my grief over my dad’s death opened.
Or they can come as trickles, that allow me to see a little more of the truth of how I feel with each drop.
I’m here for all of it. I’m here for the trickles and the tidal waves. I don’t fear either.
I Want To Feel It All
I WANT to feel.
Even though that grief I felt over my dad was intense, it was so good to feel it, rather than keep it bottled up inside me.
I WANT to feel. I want the emotions that have been trapped behind all of those glass walls to flow freely, because with the emotions comes creativity; with the emotions comes movement; with the emotions comes LIFE!!
If I am not feeling my emotions, then I am not fully alive.
If I am not experiencing the experiences of sadness and loss, as well as fulfilment and joy, then I am only tasting crumbs from life’s table. I want the whole damn feast!! I want to feel my emotions, because I want to feel my WHOLE self, present in every moment.
Falling Into the Void
And, because I have done so much deep work on Purpose Gene Key … 48 … the Void … over the last two years, I’m no longer afraid that if I let the emotions come, if I fall into the darkness of these really painful emotions, I’ll be swallowed. I know from experience that dropping into that Void of deep, dark emotions holds treasure for me. I am discovering my Gifts. I am finding my own gold hidden in the folds of the cloak of hard emotions.
So no, there is no fear here.
I welcome ALL of my emotions. I invite all the sadness and grief and loneliness in for a cup of tea … they have things to teach me. And I have joy that I can share with them!
I hold ALL of it.
There is no fear here, there is only love and compassion and understanding.
PostScript
So, I wrote all this 👆🏻 in my journal today, but as a kind of PS to this article, I wanted to share something about the Void, which I’ve been thinking a lot about, as I’ve been travelling through the Venus sequence for the second time. This is something I shared with some of my fellow Devoted travellers this week; it’s something I wrote in my journal when I was going through my Gene Keys Golden Path the first time …
Falling apart is not to be feared. Falling apart is the breakthrough that comes in the shape of breakdown. Truly, if I surrender to the Well inside myself, I am surrendering to all of it. And falling into that void might well feel like falling apart, but I embrace that too.
To fall apart is simply to let the barriers and the protective shell fall away, to be raw and open and vulnerable; to step naked into the void and know that I am safe.
Life has brought me here for a reason. Life has brought me into Hayley’s orbit, and into the world of the Gene Keys because it is time for this transformation to happen.
I’m not afraid. I’m not afraid to step into the void. I’m not afraid to fall apart. I am ready to embrace all of the joy and all of the sorrow that it brings.
The unknown isn’t scary; it’s brimming with possibility and potential; it’s shot through with seams of magic that can enrich our lives, if we just surrender to it.
When we step into the unknown with an open heart and an open mind, we don’t drop like a stone; our openness allows us to float like a feather, and that slow drift down into the darkness of the void allows us to see all those possibilities, all the potential, and all that magic that lies within us.
The “known” is limited; the unknown is boundless, endless, limitless. And it’s right here inside us, waiting to be discovered.
That unfathomable void inside us is where all our answers lie, where all our Gifts are born. I am coming to see, more and more every day, that the greatest thing I can do in this world is travel inside, and allow myself to fall into that void, to let go of that need to know and control everything, and simply allow myself to be in the unknown. THAT is where I’m going to find everything I need.
And it IS scary, but what’s even more scary for me is NOT doing this work. I have moments of flashbacks to my life before I started this journey … I felt so lost, so unsafe, so fucking terrified of life all the time. I felt under threat of harm. I felt like a fucking victim.
The well of the unknown within myself is not nearly as scary as feeling like a victim, because I know now that I can trust myself, I can go into my own darkness and find light. This inner journey is where my true safety lies. This journey home to myself is where the answers to all of my questions lie. I’m not afraid of the void. Look at what I’ve found there already, and I am only just beginning. I have years to go on this journey, I have so much more to do, and to find out, and to be.
If you’d like to know more about this work with the Gene Keys, why not check out Gene Keys Unleashed with Hayley Curtis?